Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wednesday

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

the chicken was already gone when I got here

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.