Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

who’s gonna tell her?

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.