Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

how it started vs how it ended

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

I love twitter

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

(by @ZachWeiner )

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.