Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
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As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
he chose this
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
A family that plays together cheats.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.