Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
You Might Also Like
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
put ‘er there pardner!
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*