Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

oh shit

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

sliding into dms like

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*