Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

i’m gonna allow it

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.