OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
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Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
That’s fair
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
just left a huge legacy in there
