Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

Bringing home a sharpie

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

My mom texting me from an anime convention

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.