Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.