Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
britain’s three elite institutions
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I’m calling the cops.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing