Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My work here is don’t.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it