oh good, now I can stop drinking
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.