oh good, now I can stop drinking
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Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Come back with a warrant
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
thank god the sign was there
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.