Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

im gay on my mothers side

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro