Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
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vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
you’re not fooling anyone
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
found this cool rock hiking today
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good