Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Scream sneezers need love too.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds