Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
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Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
paddle faster i hear baby shark
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Old old old old old west
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what