Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.