Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

Who says great literature is dead?

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

ugh not again

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza”

“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”

“No.”

“Playing hard to get who?”

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.