Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

🐴

I’ve had poops that lasted longer than the tiktok ban

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.