Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
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[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Is….Is this an option?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.