Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.