oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
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Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
The asteroid..
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
