Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

Good morning.

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.