oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
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[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
i want to work in this restaurant
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in