Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.