Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

Oh we’ve met.

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.