Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER