Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
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[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Happy Caturday!
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.