“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
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There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Oh no
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Sponch
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am