“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
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NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Growing up was a huge mistake
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it