“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
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Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I will never stop laughing at this
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Kids, do not try this at home!
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
They’re stuck in your pants?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance