“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
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My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that