“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
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When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”