Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
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*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
(by @ZachWeiner )
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth