Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
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“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.