“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
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MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Hit me in the face with a bird
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.