“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
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At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I put the mess in domestic.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?