“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
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i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Saturday
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.