“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
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Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
“i miss shittin on people”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.