Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much