Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪