“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
The symmetry is uncanny.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy