“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
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Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.