“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
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Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send