“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
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So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
