Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

they split up moments later

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

Church Pugh’s

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.