We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
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My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”