I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Oh hey, I see you touched your computer again.
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As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone