Oh hey, I see you touched your computer again.

-Adobe Updater

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I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.


Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.


One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.


The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.


We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.


My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead