@BatmanOffDuty

Oh hey, I see you touched your computer again.

-Adobe Updater

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@urmumsausername

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

@gfishandnuggets

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

@simoncholland

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

@TheDreamGhoul

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

@markleggett

We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.

@Megatronic13

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead