Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
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Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
(Gaming support cat.)
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
me hooking up with my ex
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
And then there were 4
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.