Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
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Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
fixed it
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.