Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
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FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Go girl power!
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I disagree with my politics
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’m a bad influence on myself.