Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
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My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby