Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

me

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.