Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
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Human are so complicated
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
