Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do