Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

my fav colour is also hitler

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Alexa, make me look good naked.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry