“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
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*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!