“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
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[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???