Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Spider-cat: No One Home

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”