Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills