Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

Me when I hear gossip