Oh hi lol
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Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
birds and squirrels envy us
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” has clearly never tried cheese.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash