“Oh hi, you’re home early”
You Might Also Like
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I hope google does well on my son’s test
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record