Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
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The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
You are what you delete.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?