Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
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I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what