Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
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My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“How’s your day going?”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Me when my alarm goes off
i prefer mine room temperature.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.