Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
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First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”