Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
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Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
remember
only for emergencies
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems