Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
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1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Clients after you give them your rates
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
fired
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
