Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
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I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.