Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
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[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling