Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
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[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Introverted vegans go meetless
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
🙀🙀🙀😹
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.