Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
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I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.