Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
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I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.