Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
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I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?