Oh, I bet you would be
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I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Mike is short for Micycle
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash