“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
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Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Bit chilly again tonight.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
The United Steaks of America
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit