Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.