Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
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Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.