Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
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Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.