Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet